ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
