my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm too high and old for this...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
