If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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