Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
