proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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