Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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