Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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