when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
