I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
