I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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