So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
