An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
