I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
