and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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