This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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