Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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