My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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