upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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