I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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