I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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