Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
