im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think i peed on brittanys purse
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
