Kiss
Puke
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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