ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
