...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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