I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
