i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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