If i come over, it means nothing
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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