he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
