i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
