I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
