Three words: puerto rican gang bang
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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