I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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