I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
