nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
