I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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