They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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