her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
