i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
