My first STD was from a foam party
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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