he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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