I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
