Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
