Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
