I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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