I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
