Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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