Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
