Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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