my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
